I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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