hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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