Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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