just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
