I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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