you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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