If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
