Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
This is classic penis vs brain.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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