I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
