My cat gives me a boner
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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