My liver just broke up with me...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
