You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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