if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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