I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
did i just pee glitter
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