If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize