come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
