I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
