i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
foreskin is a definite game changer
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
