Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
