Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
