We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
