dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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