I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
