I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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