FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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