i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
