My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
