She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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