420 ftw
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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