Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
