Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
