So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
