The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Randomize