It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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