Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(641): View more from Iowa

I met the friendliest cop last night

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(940): View more from Texas

Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober

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(707): View more from California

We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?

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(818): View more from California

Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.

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