If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
