im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
