she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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