is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
