i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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