I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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