im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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