they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
