I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
