Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize