Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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