I'm pants shitting drunk right now
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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