It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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