my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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