I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
