His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
