Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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