Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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