The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
