There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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