I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize